something needs to change.. [06 Jan 2010|07:14am] torn_down_love i really dont know where to start on this one, ive typed and deleted so many times already its sad. as i have said i use this thing (LJ) to release thoughts and issues and probles and sutch,and imostly use when im down or sad or upset about something in my life. writeing is a stress relever for me and oncei get it out i feel better, usualy. and ive talked to someone about this already but i still dont really feel like ive gotten everything out. so ive turned to my LJ. soo here we go ... Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth.. right? thats why its called SELF-esteem. but i want to know how to change how u feel about yourself. im not happy with me at all. i havent been for quiet some time now too. usualy for most chicks this happns in middle-high school. but when i was in school i didnt give a flyin flip. i was happy with myself. im not sure why its changed now. all my friends say i look young,and i do. when i meet new ppl they assume im around the age of 15-17. for exxample, i have a friend who ive known for quiet some time now. we were talking the other night and she askes me "how old are you anyway kim" and i answerd her "im 22" her jaw droped as if she was in shock. she says, "i could have sworn you were about 17-18 years old" (judgeing from the fact of my tattoos). my feelngs werent hurt or anything, in fact i should be proud of it. ive always looked younger than what i am. its never changed. idk why though. is it bc im so small? i weigh less than 100lbs. as i always have. im 5"2' tall. i do have small boobs and when i say small i mean it, there isnt enough there to even have clevage. no ass what so ever. do ppl judge off these details? is that what it is? because its really startting to bother me that ppl say im cute. i dont want to be cute. i want to be hott, i want to be sexy and stunning. i want to turn heads when i walk into a room. i tell my boyfriend all the time "i want a boob job" and i think at first, he thought i was kidding. but now, i think he knows im serious. im not trying to model myself after anyone, i still want to be myself. but i just need something about me that i like, something that im happy with, just something. im tired of always getting, your fine just the way you are, blah blah blah thats nonsence. if i dont feel beautiful, then damn it i dont feel beautiful. i want bigger boobs, that is the ONLY thing i would change about my body. but i dont mean hige tits i just want enought for a little bit of cleaveage, just so i can wear cute tanks and nice shirts. and the shit will stay up nc i have the boobs to hold it up. im not sick of wearing jeans and t-shirts, but i just want to feel all the things ive said. and jeans and t-shirts, just isnt cutting it anymore. i dont want to lose me, i still want my punkish style. or what ever you want to call it, god knows i dont want to prepie ass girlie girl. fucckk that! all i want is to feel beautiful.... but to do so, i need to boost this so called "self-esteem" issue.. im so fucking lame... in a peaceful bliss

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